The BF went out for a smoke a few minutes ago and started revving the engine on his bike. I didn't even have to see him. I knew. I just got his helmet, gloves and riding jacket and took them out to him.

He looked a little puzzled at first and said it was too cold to ride, then I said, "uh-huh" and his face split into that adorable, wonderful, fabulous, boyish grin that I love to see so much. He's just gonna "go up and down the road a bit" until we have to leave for his sister's house for the holiday.

Yeah right. He'll be back in an hour or so. He'll be freezing cold and happy as hell.

Him: You know me too well
Me: Yeah, and I love you too much. Now go have fun :)
Him: *adorable boyish grin*


I love my boy :D *squeesh*

I went to see a pain specialist yesterday. Dr. Ellner was very nice and quite handsome and wants to stick a needle into my spine. Yay! Apparently an epidural full of local anisthetic and steroids could permanently remove the excessive pain I've been experiencing from the pinched nerves in my neck. (Car accident March 2008 = still ouchie) So once the paperwork gets put through I'll be going into the office and having a needle stuck in my spine and stuff injected to hopefully take the damned pain away. There will possibly be more than one shot, the series is a shot every two weeks until I'm better basically. In the mean time I have a SHIT-TON of Vicodin. I asked for something for the pain between now and the shots, the many gave me a HUGE prescription. Like more than I'll ever use in a year. But that's okay, cause at least I'll have it on hand if I need it in the future. So wish me luck with this! If these shots do what they're supposed to, I should be able to start exercising again and get myself back to working order. Which would be nice, cause I get seriously tired of not being able to get off the couch.

I hope this works! So much is riding on this it's not even funny.

Poll #1458616 Possible New Hairdo?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 4

Would this look okay on me?

I definitely like the coloring, but I might go with a little less bang. Maybe just make the bangs a little longer. I'm not sure. For reference, here's my head:


Sorry it's a bad pic and it's old, but it's the best I could come up with that was showing my hair down and not showing my ta-ta's :D

Just a quick update so no one thinks I'm dead. The house renovations are going really well and hopefully I'll have some incredible pics to post later. School started yesterday and I'm already neurotic about it, big surprise there : ) My cellphone is out of commission and there's a hysterical story involving flying technology and a toilet and sizzling sounds. Yeah, so anyway, no cellphone for me. Not dead, just out of communication devices for a little while. The internet goes up and down here right now too, due to construction. I'll update better soon. Love!

Yep. This just in...somebody fucking shoot me. I needed 178/200 on the final exam to pull a 'B' out of the class. I got..drum roll from hell....171/200. It comes out to 3 percentage points.


3!

333333333333333333333333

Fuck.
Fucking shoot me.

I should have put the 3 pennies in my bra for Papa Legba. 3!

foirwejgiosDvjaoibuosdiajjfownfaoeawiruaiuroaiugvasdihvjaonvnlk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111

THE END IS NIGH!

Monday is my final exam in Microbiology. Seriously, pray for me. Everyone, please. I need all the help from all the religious denominations I can get! If I pull 178 out of 200 on this final, I can still pull a 'B' in the class and I want to give that to my mom so badly. Yeah, I know. If it were for me I wouldn't push as hard. But mom has put up with some serious Sh*t from me for so long and I just want to show her that I'm back on track and getting myself together. Anyway, pray, light a candle, bathe in the Ganges, whatever it is you do - I'm desperate! *Love*

The crazy is getting worse the closer I get to finals. I'm not sure how long I can hang on without doing something stupid. It's definitely time for therapy. Good news on that front I guess, Micki says I can use her E.A.P. from both jobs to get lots of visits so long as the therapist I want to see excepts it. I've gotta call and find out. I purged. I feel nasty. I've gotta do something about the crazy before I do more than vomit up my emotional baggage and start slicing it up again. Maybe I'll call Dr. K and see if I can get an appt to see her sooner and get my meds adjusted? Not sure how much good that'll do. But it's something. Fucking craziness. Fucking genetics. Fucking eating disorder. Fucking life. Fucking Fuck. I fucking hate this shit.

Fuck.

Some of the people on my flist have truly awesome icons that make me smile, and I have chosen to share a few of them, so here they are:

                


Hope this brightened your day just a bit :D

Sometimes I see Ben sitting on the couch curled up with my kitties and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life. Tonight we went to sit at Steak and Shake and eat, cause I was starving, and just talk. We spent most of the time talking about some tattoos he wants to get done, and being distracted cause the place was busy and we're both ridiculously ADHD (it's not so bad normally, but for some reason when we're together it just gets insane). We shared a milkshake, went to walmart and wandered around talking about music and movies from our childhood and just plain enjoying each other's company. We haven't done that in a while. It was so nice. Having him here everyday is amazing, but we still get caught up in school and get distracted from each other. It was nice to do something we used to do all the time. (For those of you who haven't tried it, wandering walmart at two in the morning is actually quite a bit of fun, you just have to have the right attitude walking in for it.)

Anyway, I just wanted to share my warm fuzzy with everybody. I figure that I spend so much of my time on LJ sharing my bipolar crap and emotional pain that I'd try to share something nice for once :) The man just makes my heart light up. He's so accepting of all my wierdness - the quirky kind and the crazy kind. Plus he's HOT. So that is definitely a plus ;) Yep, I'm purring like a cat with cream today. Don't even know why. Lecture was crazy-difficult, Lab was exhausting, I got pulled over and given a warning on the way home from school for weaving over the white line, and yet, I walked in the door, kissed the man I love, squished on all my feline companions and my heart just lifted. I am a content kitty tonight. *purrrr*

Okay, I'm not dead or anything, I've just been incredibly busy with school. It's not going well. So far I've gotten a 58 and a 64 on my tests. Lab is a freaking solid 100, don't ask me why, I don't know. I have no idea why I'm doing so beautifully in lab and so horribly in lecture. Microbiology is kicking my ass. And this is my second time in the class. Ridiculous. I've never had a class that kicked my ass so hard. I was better at Latin for Christ's sake! I got B's in College Latin, A's in Excellerated College French and French Lit...this should be like any other foreign language. I should be able to look at the names like that and learn it in a heartbeat. Ever since the last time I was in a car accident my mind hasn't worked the way it used to. I've noticed as I've gotten older that my thought processes have slowed, albeit very, very little. But I still noticed it. My language comprehension and critical thinking skills have slowed, like they are supposed to. This last accident though...it was like aging ten years in one day. It's like my almost thirty year old brain is now almost forty and I'm left reeling in the wake.

Right, so I'm just bitching about not being as smart as I used to? No. There's something wrong with my brain. I can't think like I used to. Not normal aging. I used to be on an eighth to tenth grade level in french language comprehension, now, after one accident, I'm back down to fourth grade. HALF my knowledge base is GONE. It's like that with everything. And it's so frustrating! I can't learn like I used to. I used to have a partially photographic memory. Like the only thing wrong with it was the recall factor was a little fuzzy, the pictures were there, but the words on the page would be fuzzy keeping me from perfect recall. Now? Making the terminology and concepts stick in my head is like trying to write on a chalk board in the pouring rain. No matter how many times you write it down, it gets washed away. Brain damage is not something to take lightly. Functionally, I'm totally fine. Okay, I have chronic back pain from pinched discs, but whatever. I'm fine with that. I can live with that. What I cannot live with is my brain being damaged. My memory is screwed, my thought processes are slowed, I'm so frustrated sometimes I just want to take my brain out of my head and smack it around a little until it stands up straight and does it's job again!

School frustrations aside, my heart is deep in a dark, dark hole. There's a tiny little rope still attached to it and that is Ben. He's here. He's changed his address and officially moved in and every time I think about it I want to just sob because I'm so relieved. He's with me every day and every night and seeing his face reminds me that there is a future waiting for me and all I have to do is survive through the darkness and come out the other side. I asked him tonight if I should really be a nurse, if I would be any good at it. He said, "Are you kidding? You're always taking care of and nursing me. You're good at it. You grew up with nurses and you learned it from them." It's not just the movements I learned, though. I got the love of helping people, too. I learned to value it and enjoy the little triumphs a well applied band-aid can bring. And by well applied band-aid, I mean all the wonders of modern medicine. I want to be a part of that. All the beautiful, successful, bodily fluid filled moments. I'm just not sure that I'll survive nursing school. I'm not even in clinicals yet and I'm floundering. Thank god for ADHD medication, cause without that I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. At least I have a little help, right?

I mentioned to my sister the other day that I think it would be nice to move Ben and I to a rented house in Marrieta when I get out of school. Some of my friends just moved in to one and frankly, I like the idea of getting more space and a backyard for the same price as a taupe box surrounded by other taupe boxes. Plus, it gets me closer to my two closest RL friends. Other than Ben, obviously. Anyway, my sis was like, "but you'll be closer to everyone and they'll come over all the time and blah blah blah..." I just looked at her like she was nuts. That's one of the main reasons for wanting to move there! Introverted, grumpy bugger. The other reason is that it would get me an hour closer to downtown Atlanta and the better paying nursing jobs. I want to be closer to my friends. I feel isolated and alone a lot of the time. Ben definitely helps that, but I need interaction with others! I need social gatherings and interaction with other minds. 

As far as weight loss, it's not bad. I freaked out and relapsed and lost almost fifteen pounds, then freaked out cause I freaked out and put like seven pounds back on. Meh. Anyway, the sis and I are doing some serious life-changing things and I've got my calories down to 1500-1800 a day, which is a daily deficit of almost 1,000 calories because of basal metabolic rate. Woot! We're also following a loose diabetic diet which is more a balance of protein and carbs then just the no-carb Atkins thing. I haven't been doing much for exercise other than daily stretches and some leg-lifts, cause I tried to and I'm so very, very far out of shape that I just caused myself more harm than good. I ended up flat on my back for nearly a week. The extra 130lbs on me and the muscle wasting from the last car accident have left me in pretty bad shape. So the goal is to lose weight through calorie control until I'm down about thirty or forty pounds and then start exercising. It's really all I can do. At this point I'm just doing damage to my joints. I've started doing basic physical therapy muscle-rebuilding stuff and range-of-motion stuff to help my flexibilty and resilience, but it's slow going at best. I just have to remember not to give up and that it WILL pay off in the end.

So life is frustrating as usual. Sorry this was so long, but Elly was right, I haven't posted an update in a long time! I miss everyone and I am reading your posts and trying to keep up, I just don't always have a chance to comment. Hopefully this coming semester won't be so hectic. Summer semester is always more challenging cause of the shorter time period. Bah. Anyway, I have to get some sleep so I can get up tomorrow and start the studying all over again. Light a candle or something for my memory? I have to do better in school!

Say them outloud to yourself, it makes it ten times more fun! These are based on real words...you know...the kind that exhist in a somewhat well educated world? Right. So, if you can guess what all three words were originally before being ruined by various U.S. dialects, you get a pony! No. I will not be buying said pony. But you can feel free to tell people, "I won a pony in an online game!" And the words:

Dickunarie

Jerdicktion

Liebarie

Home improvement projects = best exercise EVAR!

1. I've pressure washed the front porch and part of the driveway, still have the back porch to get done.
2. Helped Ben finish up staining and clear coating the upstairs hallway floor - it's gorgeous and when I get a chance I'll post some pics of
     it.
3. Started the re-painting of the patio furniture (it's not done yet, but good grief, crawling around all over the floor and whatnot is excellent
     exercise).
4. This week I'll be re-painting the trim in Micki's room - her floor is finally done, now we just have to put down the moulding and re-paint the
     trim and we should be finished with her room. Huzzah!
5. I'll also be re-painting/re-staining/re-water-sealing the front and back porches.



Yeah, so I also volunteered to basically re-paint the entire freaking house. And Ben is putting up a nice tile back-splash in the kitchen, and putting down new hardwood floors throughout the entire downstairs (the floor has to wait a while cause of school and money issues, but hopefully that'll start in August along with my re-painting the inside of the house). Our house will be WIN by Christmas.

And I'm sore enough that I KNOW I've have an excellent work-out the past few days. *Pompous Grin* I'll be skinnier by Christmas, too.

Has anyone ever noticed how incredibly disturbing the first fight scene is in the movie Gladiator? Gore and guts flying everywhere. Blood soaked into everything. Men dying and gasping in agony. One guy even gets mauled by a dog. And throughout the whole battle? This soft, sweet classical music is playing. It's a nice little tune playing in the background. All sweet and lullaby-ish. *shivers* Creepy!

Apparently standing in the rain for several hours during a truly fucking awesome Nickelback concert while already sick with Strep Throat will cause the Strep to drop down into your chest and give you Bronchitis...the week before final exams start. *palm to forehead* My doc gave me a Rx for penecillin 4x's a day. I'm not sure which is worse, the sickness or the side-effects of the stupid medicine. Bleck.


...But...the concert was TOTALLY worth this!!!  :D

Attn: World;

Anyone know any old time gangsters? I have a few neighbors who need to 'sleep with the fishes' as it were. The loud 'bumpin' coming from their piece o' shit car at all hours of the day and night is making me....cranky.

Thanks in advance for any info and I promise not to turn ya's in to the coppers, Sincerely, a pissed off cranky neighbor lady.

I was just goofing off with my Ben and I started thinking about weight loss. Don't ask. I could be thinking about world domination and it would relate to weight loss in my head. Anyway, I was thinking that sometimes it seems like I'll never lose weight. Never. I feel so stymied in my weight loss and it feels like this never-ending up-hill battle that's frankly just impossible to win. It's because of my reaction to weight loss.

Recently I made the best progress I've made in a full year towards weight loss. I was nearly a full twenty pounds down from my highest (and at the time, current) weight. Granted my ups and downs in the last month with family constantly around and a few minor mental meltdowns has only put three pounds back on me. But still. Four more measly little pounds and I would've been not only under 260lbs (finally) but well on my way to being under 250, which would lead to 240 to 230 to 220, etc. The idea of that kind of progress was dazzling. And then out of nowhere, family was visiting constantly and I was binge-eating at night again out of boredom and emotional-stuff. I was comforting myself with food instead of a lack of food. Guys, I freaked out!

And the scary part is what I freaked out over. I was scared of being thin. I've been obese for nigh on ten years now. It started the end of my senior year of high school and just continued. Compounded by my thyroid shutting down and taking my metabolism with it and a brief stint in inpatient care that prompted a desire to 'recover' (aka: binge constantly and tell everyone that my body was just making up for lost time, ya right). I stopped exercising. I definitely stopped restricting. I stopped eating veggies for god's sake. And all because of this reaction of horror to the idea of finally being thin and beautiful again.

I flipped out. My fat butt has become a shelter. It's become this insulating cushion against the world. I was telling Ben this a few minutes ago and I just felt like I had to share it with you guys. I'm almost amazed that I didn't think of this sooner. It's like Ukta's post yesterday was it? People either look at fat people with contempt, or more often, they don't look at us at all. My goal with my anorexia has been to disappear. To disappear from the world so that no one would notice me anymore. So I'd be invisible. Ironically, I've done that more effectively by getting fat. I have less friends (only true friends now) and people don't stare at me as I walk down the street. In fact, if people do look at me, they quickly look away. There's no cat-calls like when I was thin and no stares like when I was sickly. I have very nearly disappeared into this shell of insulation that has become my body. I don't have to worry about unwanted sexual attention - no one is attracted to fat people (Except my Ben, who doesn't care that I'm overweight and says I'm beautiful anyway - I love this man!).

So where do I go from here? I have to make a conscious choice to rejoin the looking world. I have to rejoin the world of cat-calls and people watching your butt as you walk away and random flirtations. I have to rejoin the world of sexual appreciation for my body. If I ever want to lose weight, I have to choose to let go of sitting on my couch hiding behind my snicker's bars and make actual contact with other people as a person and not a fat person. I have to choose to let go of my armor and just be myself again. And it's terrifying. No wonder I freaked out and started eating everything in sight when I started to lose weight. I had no idea what my goal of 'weight loss' entailed. Now that I do, it's not necessarily a more daunting challenge, but it is one I'll take more seriously and undertake a bit more carefully. I have to figure out a new way to look at things. I have to convince myself that being seen is good.

x-posted

I just remembered something totally random from high school:

"Yo vomito cada manana, estoy pregnata con tu bebe"

How's that for a blast from the past?

'Arbeit Macht Frei'

It worked for the Nazis and it works for eating disorders, too.